runaway

some feelings

2009-06-11T02:47:00.000-07:00

Everyday I pull a little bit more away from you. And you don't even notice it. But that's ok, as I wrote with blood on the walls that I will never go back to that place of humiliation and pain. In an oddly way, I started seeing myself as a policy-maker, who has to push forward her own interests on the agenda and who has the power to pull the strings in her favour.

I now get the whole scenario and how things should work: two strangers that sometimes meet and enjoy their time. And even more surprisingly, this doesn't bother me anymore. It release me. As my expectations dropped to the ground. I adjust my behaviour according to the environment. There is no power in me left to fight to change things, as I am no Obama. So I just play along... Happily.

In the end there's no one to blame. This might just be peace. I just pray to God, every single night I go to sleep, not to become mean, not to start issuing debt cheques, not to unleash a specific type of wrath. Please God, keep me a good person. For my own sake.

Meantime, I just continue my life, my road, my so-called-happy-solitude. I have no power to ask, nor to give.

Little by little... we all vanish away.

letter

2009-06-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

“It’s you and me against the world!” that’s what I hear in all the love movies and not only. Well, in real life is not always like this. You remember?” As long as you hold my hand everything will be fine.” I hurt you without intention and I hurt myself in the process. I’m lost and I can’t say what’s right and what’s good so I make mistakes after mistakes. And I want to stop. I stopped one mistake and I stopped for good, even if you do not believe. But something was still not going right. I know time will heal everything and that I do not have to expect results from one day to another but I had a bad feeling with so many independent things pushing me far from you. Was I right? I went away so I do not hurt you anymore. It’s hard but it’s better like this. I prefer no contact rather than sadness. I am sad already. And I will be long time from now.
Was I right to go as far as possible from you? I think I was. You don’t want to hurt me, I know it, you don’t want to revenge, but there are people around you who are happy to see me crying. You are best friend with my enemy, you always were.
I’m doing this to protect myself also, not only you. To run away from so much pain from the past, from the future. I was hurt and I learned my lesson, I learned it very well and I repent for all my mistakes. But I prefer to be far away from everything right now. I don’t want to hurt anybody and I don’t want to be hurt. I am scared and I prefer to live like this, on my own, than to try to fix things this moment when everything is so bad. I am tired of fighting… I can not fight back to anybody, so who knows who will destroy what is left from me?...

becoming me again...

2009-05-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

There is a time when each person goes through difficult moments. This time is here for me… I am in a difficult moment for a while but I am trying to get out of here, I am fighting to find my way back and to be once again the happy and normal person I used to be. I feel lost and confuse. I really don’t know who I am any more, what is the meaning of my existence. Is like I am in a nightmare and I know I’m just dreaming but it’s so difficult to wake up. I struggle and I’m fighting, and I’m running day after day from myself, far away from me, from the people who pretend to be my friends, from those who love me or who hate me.. I keep running and running and honestly I feel tired.
A good friend told me that I can find my space of comfort only when I’m writing. I’m not a great writer, I am quite bed at English, but I feel the need to write… I wrote many word documents until now and then I gave them delete with no regret. I wrote on pieces of paper also and then I throw them at the garbage. I found it’s useless to keep a diary…. Someone will see it eventually and I will feel very embarrassed knowing that there is another person who knows my secrets, who knows me and knows what I’m thinking from a piece of a paper. I prefer people to know me like I am, to discover me like a human person and not like a story from a notebook.
I am writing to find my way, to find me or to create another me, better than the one I am now. I’m not a special person but I may become one if I give myself a chance.
I start from this:
-I am a nightmare for those who know me and care about me (and most of all for those who love me because I have the tendency to hurt the people who I love most).
-I did many many stupid things that I am not proud of… I lied and I regret all my lies and all the consequences of those lies.
-I am trying not to hate the persons who hurt me. Trying hard…
-I am lost in the present. It’s difficult for me to see a happy future when I have behind a recent ugly past and when I see no support.
-I’m trying to become independent. It’s harder than I imagine… I took a temporary job until I will finish my college (in one month), I am living on my own (even if I hate the place where I am staying), I’m working hard to finish my theses and to finish school with a 10 ( J I’ve always been a good student, I’m not ashamed to admit that I was quite smart…except my social behavior…).
-I bought high hills and office clothes; I was advised to look professional in order to get respect and appreciation, and not like a slut.
-I am fighting to become a better person. I do this for me, first of all, and second of all for all those who believed in me and supported me. To show to one person who believed in me the most that I am not a bad girl, I’m just a silly one who learns from her mistakes and repents her actions and who will rise again like a Phoenix bird.
I’m writing to I can see myself better, so I can see when I am going in the right direction and when I am going wrong. I am depressed with a clinical diagnosis but I refuse to take medication… this is my way, my right way to put the things back in order. I don’t want to choose any more, I never did it. This is my biggest wish: to come back again the way I was or even better. I need to get away from all this stress so I can stop stressing the others. And I need to be on my feet.